What is a One-Upper? A person who listens to your amazing news, and responds with a story that they did the same thing only a little, or in some cases allot better. Their exaggeration is almost overwhelming most of the time.
Does neediness create the one upper?
I’m not a psychologist or a trained counselor, but I’m pretty sure that most of the time people become one upper is caused by an event or several events that occurred to them during childhood. So please for the love of all, be kind to children. Be positive and build children up whenever possible. It only takes one time when you say something to a child, especially out of love to help them get better, that may snap and permanently fuse their self-esteem in a permanent state of broken.
For some people, it could be years of abuse by other children and bullies, for others its one Aunt, Uncle, Mom, Dad, etc. who told them that they were too tall, heavy, talkative… At the time the statement seems so harmless, but the Child’s self-defense mechanism will hit a feedback and repeat loop that will continue to recycle again and again through their mind.
It often isn’t abuse that creates the issue:
In my experience it doesn’t even need to be abused, it could be a teacher that tried to help a child by raising the bar and using negative re-enforcement. For example, when a child falls during sports and skins their knee. The coach says suck it up. The child does their best to endure and not to complain. But, subconsciously the child feels that they are not quite good enough because it hurts so bad, or when an English teacher tells a child that they are not trying hard enough when the child believes with all their heart it’s there best work.
Validation seeking is a weakness:
Seeking validation is the response to wanting others to accept you. They need attention from you, hence they are needy. They tend to be like vampires; they often suck you valuable time and energy to keep them entertained. It may not be at a conscious level, but validation seekers come from a position of lack and fear of loss. They usually can’t help it; it’s hard-wired into their brain that if you reject them, they may not survive. It’s a position of incongruence. That means their mind, action and body language don’t match up. If you subconsciously pick this up, it may not only seem like they are needy, but it can also “creep you out.” This is actually your subconscious telling your brain that their activities are not adding up.
Wow, it’s really perception:
The same set of circumstances clearly may not have the same outcome. Some if not many kids will not be affected, or in fact pushed by people using tough love to motivate them. Others are permanently scarred by the same words, and actions. So it leaves one to wonder, is it environmental influences or genetic weakness that causes some kids to be damaged and not others.
At the same time is a one upper actually a sign of weakness as I’ve illustrated in this article? Or is it a form of leverage for someone to overcome an internal belief of inferiority? So the next time someone frustrates you with the … While I did… please be patient and understanding that they really like you and wish to impress you because their self-esteem is lower then you may think.
– J –