From time to time virtually everyone has experienced jealousy.
It’s an emotion that can and often does
has devastating consequences to relationships, both social and romantic. Jealousy tends to be a negative emotion that may display itself as anger, hurt, dependency and self-doubt. Sadly self-doubt is an expression of fear of loss. The real mind twist is that we often create the reality that we fear through our behavior and actions as a result of our own jealousy.
Personal experience
I have destroyed, not just ended, but mad it beyond all reason to continue any friendships out of anger and hurt from the loss of relationships. I unequivocally defined them as betrayals of my trust and love. I responded to the belief that I never wanted to be hurt again by the other person, which resulted in activities that would permanently devastate the other person. From the position of fear, I created valid reasons for others to completely hate me. I am not proud of it, and I accept it is something that I have done in the past.
What do I do differently now?
The first step to managing my jealousy, which unfortunately often ended in rage and annoying neediness that could push anyone away, required me to be personally fulfilled. I recognize that these sounds woo-woo but stay with me here. I was so concerned about having someone love me, that I lost track of my own needs and wanted. I was supplicative and just plain annoying. I thought it was love, and I did my best to completely encompass the person I loved. People often call this needy. It actually stems from the need for someone else’s approval. Unfortunately, it does the exact opposite of the intention of the person who is needy. Instead of causing others to like you more when you’re needy, it actually causes detection of weakness and encourages them to wish to leave the relationship. The more they tried to separate themselves from me, the more I tried to convince them I was the one they should love. The entire situation continues to be a self-fulfilling prophecy that is cyclical in nature.
The next thing I do is I try to manage my expectations of the relationship, but avoiding the intensification of my feelings. I find that my feelings are often only temporary and I shouldn’t feed them. Simply I use a bizarre logic to contain the issue of feeling like I’m not loved. When I start to feel like someone is going to hurt or leave me, I look at why I’m angry. What is it that I feel like I can’t control? Often I figure out that I realize that I can’t control the situation or the other person’s feelings. I can influence them, and I can even give them reasons to love me. However, I can’t control other people’s feelings about me or anyone else. What I can do, is I can control how I feel about the situation. I can overcome my fears of inadequacy and realize they wish to spend time with me for a reason. An effective side effect has been that I am much more independent and I no longer have a feeling of loss when I think they may not wish to be around me. I now recognize that they will also be spending time with other people. It’s part of human nature to surround themselves with a variety of people and influences and trying to stop this though emotional control and abuse will not result in the intended outcome.
It seems strange to me, but now I’ve become so independent I often find myself wanting to be by myself. I still enjoy the companies of others, but I now find true happiness when I’m by myself, and now that I’ve eliminated the need for others to be around me, I can feel comfortable at all stages of the interaction. Whereas before I spent most of my free time trying to figure out how to make them like me more.
How did I get here?
I spent a lot of time watching videos, listening to podcast, and audio books. I have studied confident people, and I’ve studied needy people. I’ve dealt with many childhood issues, and I often find myself journaling. This blog has become an amazing outlet for me to get out many of my curious feelings and thoughts. My best tools have been to study what makes me feel jealous? I actually sit down, and I take a moment to confront the jealous feeling. I accept that I am jealous and I try to figure out what the cause is. It’s often because I don’t wish to share, which is ironic because much of what I share contradicts that. But, let’s walk past that for a second, what has happened to me in the past that makes me have a FOMO (fear of missing out)? I like to dig it out by the root and get rid of it as quickly as possible.
For me, it hasn’t worked when I’ve tried to talk it over with the person I was trying felt jealous about. Although it was an authentic moment, at the end of the day, it just allowed them to feel like they had more control over me. I’m all about being venerable, but in my experience, it made them believe that they could do what they wanted and I would just accept it. I know some other people have had a great experience with this, it just didn’t’ work for me personally. However, the argument is that if the other person knows what they are doing to upset you, they will stop doing it. It’s up to you to decide what works for you.
Tools and exercises
I’d be lying if I tried to convince you that I didn’t see a therapist. I actually found one that specializes in parents of special needs kid. But this happened after I put many actions in place to help me to overcome and reprogram my personal belief systems about myself. I took a hard look at myself; I was honest in admitting that I had issues with self-esteem. It was very confusing because I was so successful, but over time I learned that I was confused by my childhood and young adult experience.
The next thing I did was I studied what I liked about myself. I focused on improving these assets. I celebrated the assets and my successes. I started to dress better, and I enjoyed looking in the mirror. I used paint markers to write the things I liked best about myself, and the attributes I was trying to bring out in myself. I out I am: and a list of items that I wanted to expand. I learned that what you think about will continue to overrun your life, so I started to focus on positive outcomes from my relationships.
OK so how exactly did I handle the Green-Eyed Monster?
Jealousy is a strangely custom group of negative feelings that surround fear of loss. It often is an extension of neediness and a preference not to share which ultimately brings about the end of the relationship. The ironic part is that it’s the actions that we take to stop the potential loss that will lead to the actual loss. I have been successful using podcasts, seminars, audiobooks, and videos to help me to overcome my jealous nature. However, I recommend seeing a coach or therapist. Many people are uncomfortable seeing a coach or therapist because they don’t understand what it is or does.